Humor by Chimpplanet
During the recent remodeling of the White House for the new tenants, a bible was found under the couch where George Bush had had his now famous battle with a pretzel and lost.
Some say, the pretzel battle was right at this time when God first spoke to Mr. Bush with a voice that sounded a lot like Dick Cheney’s.
On the inside cover of this bible, there’s a dedication that reads,
“Georgie, I hope that you follow the teachings of Jesus while fulfilling your obligations as the Christian leader of our nation. I suggest tyou pay strong attention to pages 645 to 911. Love, Dickie.”
In those particular pages, the Jesus verses sound familiar but yet, not quite as taught by the Christian Church:
“And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain:
and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Blessed are those who invade Iraq: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn the killings in Iraq: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed is the President of the US: for he shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness by killing Saddam Husein: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall make them cry “mercy”.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God in the White House.
Blessed are the war makers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are those who torture for righteousness' sake:
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you,
and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely or not, for the neocons’ sake.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven:
for invading Iraq, killing Saddam and torturing non-combatants at Gitmo.
Ye, George Bush, are the light of the world.
Neither do men light a candle,
and put it on a candlestick but rather under a terrorist,
and it giveth light unto all that are in the dungeon.
Let your torture light so shine before men,
that they may see your good works after the CIA memos are released,
and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Think not that you have come to destroy the law, or the constitution:
You have not come to destroy, but to fulfill the Cheney prophecy.”
The bible was returned to Mr. Bush.
More PLANET OF THE CHIMPS here