Satire By Chimpplanet
Former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney said the Bush administration will be remembered for torturing and saving us from another 9/11 since Bush was not able to save us from the first 9/11, even though they knew it was being planned.
Americans didn’t hear much from Dick Cheney for eight years while he was Vice President, as he hid in some undisclosed underground location most of the time.
But now, that has changed dramatically. In the past few months, he's been making statements -- in printed commentary and on politically oriented radio and television programs -- on how he saved billions of lives by torturing Guantanamo detainees hundreds of times each until they told him nothing.
On May 21 he made his point in a speech at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative policy-research center in Washington, where his wife, Lynne, is a senior fellow, and Cheney himself serves on the board of trustees.
Cheney brought his audience back about 30 times to 9/11.
It was then, he said, that the Bush administration finally woke up, smelled the roses, and began to torture anyone they held in prison of the Islamic Faith.
"The key to any strategy is accurate torture, and skilled torturers to get that information in time to use it. In seeking to guard this nation against the threat of catastrophic violence and saving billions of lives, me and Georgie gave intelligence officers the torture tools and fake authority they needed to gain vital information," Cheney said.
"We didn’t invent that authority. Under threat of waterboarding, we forced our top lawyers like John Yoo and Jay Bybee to write memos making torture legal. And it was snuck through the Congress after 9/11, in a joint resolution (two congressmen saw it) authorizing all necessary torture and mayhem to protect the American people."
Torture and more torture
Cheney noted that no further attacks have followed 9/11 since they started torturing everyone of the Islamic religion. But as the memory of the horror of 9/11 faded, and word began to emerge of the CIA's use of waterboarding, genitalia electrocution and other torture, he said, some began to question the government's behavior.
Cheney said only three suspects -- men he called "of the highest intelligence value" -- were subjected to waterboarding hundreds of times each until they provided valuable information. They told us Osama bin Laden’s home address and cell phone number. They also told us who reallyn killed JFK, RFK and MLK and also where Jimmy Hoffa’s body was buried.
The rogue techniques is considered by many to be torture, but the vice president said it was "justified" under the circumstances.
"I was and remain a strong proponent of our torture program. The torture was used on hardened Islamic-fascist terrorists after other efforts, like vacations in Las Vegas, had failed. Yoo and Bybee made torture legal, essential and justified, and the right thing to do, like grandma baking apple pie and children playing baseball." Cheney said.
"The intelligence torture officers who questioned the terrorists can be proud of their torture, proud of the results, because they prevented the violent screaming death of millions, perhaps billions, or even trillions of people."
Cheney also questioned why Obama and members of the Democratic Party object to torture. He said the CIA briefed at least two out of over 500 leaders of Congress, including one Democrat, on the torture interrogation techniques they were using.
'Feigned Outrage'
Yet now, Cheney said, this same Democrat is reacting to the use of torture with what he called "feigned outrage based on a false narrative."
Cheney decided to delay the start of his speech until Obama's own address was over so he could better attack our president and defend his crimes and maybe change history.
In his own speech, Cheney criticized Obama for releasing the torture memos and letting the world know that Bush lied when he said, ‘We do not torture.’.
These documents gave Bush and Cheney specific permission to torture so they wouldn’t be put in prison under the Geneva Conventions after they left office.
But now that they've been made public, Cheney said, they should made be available in their un-redacted form so that Americans can know the value of the information extracted from the suspects (like LBJ and the CIA killing Kennedy) under torture -- and show the Bush administration in a better light.
"It'll do more than clarify the urgency and the rightness of torture and mayhem in the years after 9/11. It may help us to stay focused on dangers that have not gone away like Osama bin Laden and the ghost of Saddam Husein. Instead of idly debating whether Bush, Rumsfeld, Rice and I should be prosecuted and hanged, our attention will return to where it belongs: on baking apple pies and playing baseball" Cheney said.
"For all the partisan anger that still lingers, our administration will stand up well in history, like Hitler’s and Ghengis Khan‘s and Attila The Hun’s and Josef Stalin’s -- not despite our torture and murder after 9/11, but because of them."
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