Passionate Bush Defends 8-Year Dictatorship

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Satire by Chimpplanet


George W. Bush passionately denied his turbulent presidency had damaged America's moral standing in the world, in a defiant defense of his record while at a bathroom at a Dallas MacDonald’s.

The unpopular Republican president, who may have stolen two elections, bequeathed Democrat Barack Obama a nation locked in two foreign wars, traumatized by the worst economic slump since the 1930s and with the budget deficit heading towards a trillion dollars.

He also irreparably damaged the American moral fiber by allowing torture, rendition and jailing of humans without trial.

But Bush, largely unrepentant, argued he had acted to keep America safe by locking up all possible terrorists and torturing them until they admitted their guilt. and he spread freedom to Iraqis, if they liked it or not, and even if though he had to kill over a million of them and ruin the country’s infrastructure.

He lashed out at "elites" from Europe and elsewhere, who frowned on his policies and warned that "axis of evil" foes Iran and North Korea were still dangerous. He said that if he had more time in office, like Hugo Chavez, he would have made France and Germany part of the Axis of Evil.

He said Obama would also face the grave threat of a terror attack on the US homeland by CIA Al-Qaeda and his buddy Osama bin Laden. He had video tapes to prove it.

Bush was most impassioned when confronted with claims he had tarnished America's global reputation.

"I strongly disagree with the assessment that our moral standing has been damaged," Bush said.

"It may be damaged amongst some of the dumb middle class Americans and Europeans— but people still understand America stands for Empire; that America is a country that provides such great hope to the very wealthy.”

"You go to Africa, you ask Africans about America's generosity and compassion — go to India ... go to China and ask. They are extremely poor, work for pennies a day for American companies and don’t have Internet, so they don’t know any better."

Bush argued that he could have been popular in Europe for blaming Israel for all the problems in the Middle East, or by signing the Kyoto climate change accord, or by joining the International Criminal Court, but he was the decider and decided to please the rich and Israel and keep out of prison after his presidency was over.

"I wouldn't worry about popularity. What I would worry about is going to prison for crimes against humanity and putting torture in place that make it easier to find out what my enemy is thinking."

Bush, who opponents argue insulated himself from a broad spectrum of advice, was also dismissive of critics who have savaged his presidency.

"I don't see how I can go back home in Texas and look in the mirror and be proud of what I see if I allowed the loud voices, the loud critics, to prevent me from doing what I though was necessary to screw the country."

The president also signaled a fight for his legacy in the years ahead.

"Thank you for giving me a chance to defend a record that I am going to continue to defend because I think it is a good, strong record, no matter what 90% of the world think."

Bush warned Obama will shoulder a heavy responsibility for U.S. security.

"The most urgent threat that he'll have to deal with and other presidents after him will have to deal with is an attack on our homeland which is already being planned by Dick Cheney.”

Bush said history should remember his unpopular Iraq war policy for the surge of troops he ordered when violence threatened to spill out of control thus stopping the Iraq death toll at a mere 1-1/2 million.

"I decided to do something about it, and to send 30,000 troops in as opposed to withdrawing. That part of history is certain and the situation did change. My daddy told me I should have pulled out of Iraq immediately after going in like he should have pulled out of my mom.”

Bush warned Hamas it must halt rocket fire on Israel if there is to be a durable ceasefire in Gaza. But if the rockets stop, Israel will find other reasons to slaughter some Hamas and many more innocent Palestinians. Like Israel says, “No one is innocent.”

"President Obama's election does speak volumes about how far this country has come when it comes to racial relations. The part of the country I come from still believes there’s a place for the colored."

Bush admitted to a series of mistakes in his presidency, including the decision to give a speech under a "Mission Accomplished" banner on a US aircraft carrier just before all hell broke loose in Iraq.

He also admitted dropping his dog once by mistake and also loosing a fight with a pretzel. He now knows he shouldn’t have tried to give the German Chancellor Merkel a back massage in public and shouldn’t have let them catch him giving the finger on video.

He defended his decision to play a guitar during Hurricane Katrina in 2005, a monster storm which saw his administration accused of deserting thousands of people in inundated New Orleans.

"Could things have been done better? Absolutely not. Absolutely not."

"I just can't envision myself, you know, with the big straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt sitting on some beach, having some of those drinks with the little umbrellas, so instead I will sit on an ass and smell the cow dung on my ranch", he commented when asked about his retirement.

"Particularly since I quit drinking. HA, HA, HA! If you believe that one, you’ll believe I invaded Iraq because of nookoolar weapons."

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