Leaked Pages Of Bush First Post-White House Speech To Be Given In Canada

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Satire by Chimpplanet

Former President George W. Bush will give his first speaking engagement since leaving the White House next month in Canada, according to the CTV. A couple of pages of his speech were leaked to the press.

The event will be a private affair, dubbed "a conversation with George W. Bush," on March 17 in Calgary, Alberta. About 1,500 are expected to attend.

The few pages of the former president’s discussion of his "eight momentous years in the Oval Office" read as follows:

“Dear Canucks. This word sounds so much like my Nookoolar word. Like meaning Canadian Nukes. They tell me you call one of your hockey teams, the Nucks. It’s nice to be here with some friendly faces. They couldn’t find anywhere in the US for me to give a talk. The liberal commies hate me and the conservatives blame me for their loss to Osama, I mean Obama.

I just hope that International court has no jurisdiction in Canada. I’d hate to be the cause of an international incident by being dragged into a Canuck jail.

I had lots of fun during my 8 years as dictator, I mean president of the US of A. I took care of the rich school kids that will run our country by giving those schools more money and made sure the poor kids would succeed in part-time jobs at Walmart.

I made sure that all the oil in Iraq and Afghanistan would be under the sane control of the US. God told me that he had goofed when he put all that oil under the smelly feet of those ragheads. He meant to put it all in Texas, under my Crawford ranch.

I had some good talks with God, although he sure sounded a lot like Dicky Cheney. That Dicky was always a laugh-a-minute. We had some fun talks when he told me how he (oops!) shot his lawyer friend in the face. He really meant to shoot him in the butt. They had so much fun that day, doing Johnnie Walker shots in the limo and then getting out to shoot a bunch of dumb birds.

The biggest laugh we had is when he told me that he was getting bored hiding in the bunkers during 9/11 and he finally made believe he was me and had a hijacked plane shot down over Pennsylvania.”

The above was the extent of the pages leaked. If we get anymore, we’ll print them here.

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