WASHINGTON (Chimp Parody) - "Big Sis" of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is informing the traveling public how they can prepare for being radiated, fondled, probed and their genitalia being photographed while they fly during the busy holiday season.
Passengers can greatly affect their experience at the airport by preparing in advance.
This includes: Coming naked to the airport (or just wear a bath robe). You may pre-lubricate your anus for the cavity search procedure before arriving at the airport. Also removing any metal objects from your body including limbs, false teeth, surgical pins and metal head plates will help. Making sure your genitals are not "wet" as liquids are not allowed. Also, pack any bombs, guns, machetes and torture devices in your checked baggage.
If you must carry your KY Lubricant or shot of booze or maze or Maryjane, it's as easy as 3-1-1.
All liquids, gels and aerosols must be placed in a 3 ounce or smaller container.
These containers must be placed in a 1 quart, clear, plastic, zip-top bag.
1 bag per passenger placed in a plastic bin for screening.
If you use 2 bags, you will be hauled away to Guantanamo as this is an admission by you that you are a terrorist.
The limitation on liquids reflects changes made after the fake CIA-Mossad terror plot involving the possible use of liquid explosives (which really doesn't work) in London on Aug. 10, 2006.
In response to this false-flag attack, TSA immediately banned all liquids at security checkpoints in order to make youir life misserable, including urine held in one's body as when urine from two different persons is joined, an explosive combination may happen (NOT!).
The ban was modified on Sept. 25 after extensive testing showed that small amounts of liquids, gels and aerosols could only make a small bomb which is allowed.
TSA Administrator Hip Kawley said, "By coming to the airport naked and lubed and leaving their bombs in their checked luggage can make a big difference in whether the passenger will be able to fly on the same day they arrive at the airport and not a week later. Each time we have to shoot or send to Guantanamo a prospective traveler it slows the security line down and makes TSA inspectors down right mean and ugly."
"Airports will be packed over this Thanksgiving season and the TSA has no greater priority than to make sure your trip is as miserable as possible. So make sure you and your brats are all extra-medicated when you arrive to insure we don't have to tase or shoot you to keep you quiet."
Through posters, banners, advertisements, road signs, extra killer dogs, snipers and many other ways, the airlines, airports and TSA are scaring the hell out of travelers before they reach the security/execution checkpoint.
"If you ever dare to fly again after this holiday trip, we have not done our job properly." said the TSA supervisor.
Below are other tips travelers should know before they leave home this holiday season.
Do not wear tight clothes. Security officers like to be able to get to the nitty gritty, fondle and get out fast, like a thief in the night.
Pack smart. Put your weapons of mass destruction in your checked luggage. If you put them in you carry-on, we may have to shoot you or blow you up or ship you to Gitmo. This will delay all travelers.
Arrive on time. If you arrive a minute late you will immediately go to the Cavity Search Room where we will have to probe your anus with various apparatus while a film crew records the proceedings for future TSA profits. Remember to give yourself about three days to check your baggage and move through security.
Dress the part. Come as naked as possible. Pack your belt (which you won't need) and your chains and your cat-o-nine-tails in your carry-on bag.
Think. Acting intelligent in front of grammar-school dropout TSA guards makes them mad and will not be tolerated. After they beat the shit out of you, local law enforcement may be called.
Have a wonderful flight experience thanks to "Big Sis" watching out for you.
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