The Week's Late-Night Laughs

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"I am laughing, dammit! Go f*ck yourselves! Ha, ha ha."






They found a 47 million-year-old fossil that they think may be the missing link between man and ape. And I thought, "Wait a minute -- I thought that was the governor of California?"

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Dick Cheney gave a speech on terror. I guess it was well received. He was so excited he went outside and waterboarded people.

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I can't believe Dick Cheney. He keeps giving speeches, and he's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he's still president.

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Former vice-president Dick Cheney's been in the news a lot, attacking Obama. For eight years, he never said two words, now he's like Regis.

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He's making so many speeches lately, I'm starting to think he's not dead.

MORE




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The IDF's "Environmental" Tank

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A kinder, gentler tank? Not exactly. The Israeli military is working what it calls a "dust remover" tank--a tank with undiminished destructive capabilities, except for the environment. (Israeli military photograph)


The IDF is currently dealing with environmental damages caused by the dust created during the usage of tanks and other armored vehicles, as a part of its commitment to the environment.

The Quality Testing Department of the Technological Brigade of the Ground Forces believes that it has found the solution. They call it, the Dust Remover.

Don't you love the Aldoux Huxley type Quality-Testing vocabulary (is was Huxley, after all, who wrote Eyeless in Gaza), the self-congratulatory tenor of the prose, that dramatic pause-inducing comma just before "the Dust Remover"?

Imagine reading this from the perspective of, say, a Lebanese who's experienced the effects of Israeli tanks firsthand and with crushing regularity for most of the past 30 years, or a Palestinian in the West Bank and Gaza, where Israeli tanks have a longer (but less lethal, if you can believe it) history.

The dust the machines kick up has not been, it's relatively safe to say, these people's greatest concern. It gets worse:

The stirred up dust makes it difficult to breathe for humans close to the vehicles, and makes it impossible for small animals to move on the routes the vehicles passes through.

Are they serious? Is the concern really the little rabbits who scurry across tank tracks?

Of course it is. At least we know who matters and who doesn't. The implied message here may not be intended, but it reflects the Israeli military's attitude, so evident in Gaza earlier this year or in Lebanon in 2006, the more accurately for it: the human beings at the receiving end of tanks' lethality are worth less than the rabbits in their wake.


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"From now on, when we attack Gaza, the West Bank or Lebanon and kill thousands of innocent civilians, we will no longer disrupt the lives of the little bunnies and other wild life in the area. We have a heart, after all." - Offcial Star Of David Souse




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Friday, May 29, 2009

Bush Administration Opposite-Speak Continues

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By Chimpplanet

In order to learn what George Bush and his cronies really meant during his reign all you had to do was replace what they said with the complete opposite meaning.

Even today, George Bush, Dick Cheney and the Pentagon continue speaking in this “opposite” English.

Here are some current and prior examples:

“Harsh Interrogations”: Torture.

“Photos do not show rape”: Photos show rape and worse.

“We do not torture”: We torture.

“Torture saved lives”: Torture caused retaliation and more death.

“No child left behind”: Only the wealthy children get a good education. All others work at Wal-Mart.

“Clear skies initiative”: Allow large corporations to increase pollution.

“Homeland Security”: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

“Al-Qaeda Terrorists”: Do not exist. CIA made up the name “Al-Qaeda” which means “toilet” in Arab.

“Osama bin Laden is alive”: Osama bin Laden died in 2001.

“Town hall meetings”: Staged and rehearsed one-sided press and photo ops.

“God spoke through me”: Cheney told me to invade.

If you listen and think when George Bush and Cheney and others speak, you will find that when they open their mouths, they automatically “opposite-speak”.




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Bush And Cheney, In A Panic, Defend Their “Torture Administration”

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By Chimpplanet

Former VP, Dick Cheney dashed out of his underground bunker as soon as President Obama released the CIA torture memos. He has been all over the media and other speaking venues claiming that US torture is legal and saved thousands of American lives.

The Pentagon also came to the defense of torture as it tried to quash a former general’s claims that the pictures Obama doesn’t want released show horrific torture and rape of detainees. For some unknown reason, the Pentagon feels that rape of our prisoners is worse than waterboarding, electrocuting, dog chewing, etc.

The retired general claims that a male prisoner is shown being raped with a fluorescent tube in these pictures. Imagine a fluorescent tube being shoved up your butt and imagine this tube breaking. The death of this human being would be horrifying.

The only way we will know if the Pentagon is telling the truth is by releasing these photos. Let’s make the Pentagon and Cheney happy and release all the torture photos and memos.

Now, George W. Bush comes out of the closet and defends torture (that never happened) by claiming it was all legal because his lawyers said so. Alberto Gonzales (initially his personal lawyer) led the path to legalizing torture. Lawyer John Yoo wrote memos describing what torture is “legal”. Current judge John Bybee did the same.

Basically, these Bush lawyers acquiesced to Bush and Cheney and changed the word “torture” to “harsh interrogation”. And that made it all legal. How harsh? Until they die?

President Obama says we need to look forward and not back. The problem is that if we don’t review and prosecuted our mistakes we will make them again.

Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, Gonzales, Yoo, Bybee and others must be tried and punished for their crimes. Then, we can move forward.




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Israel rejects US call over settlement work

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Israel will continue to allow some construction in West Bank settlements despite US calls for a freeze on its work, a government spokesman says.

Mark Regev said the fate of the settlements should be decided in peace negotiations with the Palestinians.

His remarks appear to be a rebuff to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who said all such activity should cease.


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"Don't worry about American pressure, we the Jewish people control America."

-- Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, October 2001. According to Israel Radio (in Hebrew) Kol Yisrael

"The Israelis control the policy in the congress and the senate."

-- Senator Fullbright, Chair of Senate Foreign Relations Committee: 10/07/1973 on CBS' "Face the Nation".

"I am aware how almost impossible it is in this country to carry out a foreign policy [in the Middle East] not approved by the Jews..... terrific control the Jews have over the news media and the barrage the Jews have built up on congressmen .... I am very much concerned over the fact that the Jewish influence here is completely dominating the scene and making it almost impossible to get congress to do anything they don't approve of. The Israeli embassy is practically dictating to the congress through influential Jewish people in the country"

-- Sec. of State John Foster Dulles quoted on p.99 of Fallen Pillars by Donald Neff





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What’s in a Statement?

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David Bruce Vitter, the junior United States Senator from Louisiana, enjoys a relaxing evening at home after a shitty day at the Senate


What the?: Sen. David Vitter, the Louisiana Republican whose digits turned up in the D.C. madam’s little black book, has again emerged from the low-profile cocoon he lived in for months after the scandal in time to comment on Sotomayor’s nomination.

He gives the nominee credit, but wants to make sure she understands how the law, the Constitution and the game of baseball work.

As the first Hispanic nominee for the Supreme Court and only the third woman, Judge Sotomayor is certainly making hopeful and positive history. Now we must study her record and philosophy carefully to ensure that she understands the proper role of the judge as impartial umpire — not pitcher or catcher.

The Constitution is clear that the Supreme Court justices must interpret the law and not legislate from the bench. Judge Sotomayor made some comments at Duke University regarding the power of the courts to make policy that do give me pause, and that is something that I look forward to discussing with her.

As her nomination progress, I will be thoroughly reviewing her judicial record and I look forward to her nomination hearing
, said Vitter.



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“I will review her qualifications on diaper changing. I will also investigate her personal life for any indiscretions. We don’t want a sinner in the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court is not like the Senate.




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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The CIA's torture untruths

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Little Johnny Cia tells more lies


The CIA once claimed it had briefed Senator Bob Graham, then chair of the Senate intelligence committee, four times on torture: twice in April 2002, and twice in September 2002. After Graham referred to his meticulous notes and showed there had been no briefing on three of those dates, the CIA admitted it had briefed him just once, in late September 2002. And when it finally got around to briefing Graham in late September 2002, he maintains, it told him nothing about waterboarding.

The CIA tried to claim it briefed Pelosi adequately, in her role as the senior Democrat on the House intelligence committee, on "description[s] of the particular torture techniques] that had been employed." But even Porter Goss' account reveals they weren't briefed that waterboarding had been used.

The CIA tried to claim that it briefed Senator Jay Rockefeller, the new ranking member of the Senate intelligence committee, on ""how the water board was used" in February 2003, until Rockefeller pointed out he wasn't at that briefing.

The CIA lists John Murtha, then the senior Democrat on the House appropriations subcommittee for defense, as attending a briefing on the "full detainee program, including the 13 [torture techniques]".

But it now admits Murtha didn't stay for the torture techniques part. And even though it lists Murtha's staffer, Paul Juola, as attending, the CIA later had to admit he wasn't at the briefing, either.


Four times, the CIA has claimed to have briefed Democrats, only to be proved wrong.




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Monday, May 25, 2009

A timeline of the George W. Bush presidency

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By Chimpplanet


March 2001: The Bush administration overturns a Clinton-era regulation reducing the amount of arsenic in drinking water.

April 2001: Bush signs a $1.65 trillion tax cut for large corporations and the wealthy.

August 2001: The "Osama Bin Laden determined to strike U.S." memo reaches the president's desk; He's clearing brush at his Crawford, Texas, ranch on a month-long vacation.

Sept. 11, 2001: President Bush reads "My Pet Goat" after being told of the attacks on the United States. Dick Cheney is already hiding underground since September 10.

October 2001; Bush signs Patriot Act. All US laws since 1776 don’t mean diddly now.

January 2002: "Gitmo" grand opening party. Dress of the day is orange jump suit.

May 2002: Bush issues executive order authorizing the National Security Agency to wiretap phones and read e-mails of U.S. citizens. Sexy phone calls and e-mails are routed to George to review.

June 2002: In a speech at West Point, Bush reveals his "Bush Doctrine" of preemptive war; behind the scenes, administrations officials plan the Iraq war. On TV they declare Saddam has WMDs, “nookoolar” material, is hosting Al-Qaeda conventions and can destroy the US in 40 minutes.

September 2002: One year after 9/11, Bush asks Congress for authorization of military force against Iraq. They grant it with no questions asked and no debate.

February 2003: Secretary of State Colin Powell states his case for war with Iraq at the UN. Most of the world, except the US Congress, feels it was a totally fabricated presentation. In the future Powell will admit it was.

March 19, 2003: - Bush declares war on Iraq because Saddam Husein is trying to destroy the US with WMDs. The first US military action is to protect the oil fields.

April 2003: Congress approves $79 million for the Iraq war; the next month, Bush signs $350 billion tax cut for the wealthiest of Americans. Those opposed to the war are labeled “Unpatriotic”.

May 1, 2003: President Bush declares mission accomplished in Iraq while aboard the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. The Iraq war is over!

June 2003: FCC pushes for more media consolidation, allowing one company to own newspapers, TV and radio stations in the same city in order for the very wealthy to brainwash Americans.

July 2003: Cowboy Bush tells the Iraq insurgents to: "Bring 'em on." They do. Nearly 300 U.S. soldiers die over the next six months.

August 2003: Bush signs a budget that essentially kills the Teach for America program for inner-city schools. The dumbing down of Americans begins in earnest.

November 2003: U.S. soldiers' death toll in Iraq reaches 437. “Bring ‘em on!”

March 25, 2004: Bush cracks jokes about weapons of mass destruction at the 2004 Correspondent's Dinner.

“Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there Maybe under here."

April 2004: Abu Ghraib photos leaked. Military privates are blamed. The US does not torture…does not torture…does not torture…

July 2004: In his 2005 budget, Bush freezes the amount of Pell Grants for the third straight year. After his budget passes, average Pell Grant awards decrease for the first time in six years. Changes in eligibility cut thousands of students from grant rolls. We need more Walmart workers, not scientists, after all.

September 2004: The federal deficit reaches a record high. American troop deaths in Iraq now top 1,000. Also: Assault weapons ban lifted.

November 2004: Democrats, and former Naderites, gather at bars across the country to watch election results; hopes dashed again; Bush declares the close election a "mandate." Voting machines are not rigged…not rigged…not rigged…

July 2005: Bush appoints conservative John Roberts to Supreme Court; three months later, he appoints conservative Samuel Alito. The fix is in. Immunity for Bush crimes guaranteed.

August 2005: While President Bush is on vacation, Hurricane Katrina barrels down on New Orleans. Over the next two days, he travels the country for photo-ops (with John McCain and a country music star) before sending federal aid. Bush “is not racist” Laura declares.

April 2006: News reports reveal Bush has issued "signing statements" for more than 750 laws, stating he has the power to override the laws if they conflict with his interpretation of the Constitution. Bush is a constitutional scholar – NOT!

October 2006: Bush signs the John Warner National Defense Authorization Act, which allows the president to deploy U.S. military troops to police American streets in the event of a "national emergency." Martial law is now a reality. Bush has dictatorial powers.

May 2007: Bush signs a presidential directive that places him in control of all three branches of government in case of an extraordinary disaster. However, he has no power over the fourth branch: Dick Cheney.

June 2007: For a third time, Bush vetoes federal funding for stem cell research. God will cure cancer and other incurable diseases.

March 2008: Bush has taken 879 days of vacation in his eight years of office, approximately one-third of his presidency; five years into the Iraq War, over 4,000 U.S. troops dead; estimates of Iraqi civilian deaths range from 88,000 to over half a million. Mission accomplished. Bring ‘em on!

September 2008: Bush's approval ratings lowest in his presidency as he presides over the worst financial crisis since the Depression. Again, mission accomplished!




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FBI stops supposed ‘Temple Plot’ in New York City

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I WANT YOU TO REMAIN VERY AFRAID AND BELIEVE ANYTHING THE FBI SAYS. THEY NEVER LIE.




Last week, four men from Newburgh, New York were arrested in what the FBI says was a plot to bomb two synagogues in the Bronx and shoot down military planes with Stinger missiles.

What is most interesting about this is not that we were protected from a supposed terrorist attack, but that the whole “plot” was invented by an FBI informant:

The defendants, in their efforts to acquire weapons, dealt with an informant acting under law enforcement supervision, authorities said.

The FBI and other agencies monitored the men and provided an inactive missile and inert C-4 to the informant for the defendants, a federal complaint said.

In June 2008, the informant met Cromitie in Newburgh and Cromitie complained that his parents had lived in Afghanistan and he was upset about the war there and that many Muslim people were being killed in Afghanistan and Pakistan by U.S. military forces, officials said.

Did you catch the last sentence? He was upset that his fellow Muslims was being mercilessly bombed, and when tricked into retaliating, he and his three accomplices were arrested.

They did not “hate our liberties,” as nearly every media mouthpiece recites ad nauseum, they hated the fact the U.S. is brutally occupying and pummeling two-and-a-half Muslim countries.

This is just another example of how our global empire*, with over 800 bases in over 120 countries with soldiers ready to be deployed, creates a lot of backlash, and in the Middle Eastern world, this means terrorism.




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Big Pharma To Make Billions again, As U.S. Asks Firms to Make Swine Flu Vaccine

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By Chimpplanet

The federal government has asked three drug companies to make enough swine flu vaccine to immunize at least 20 million people in key positions in health care, national security and emergency services, officials said yesterday.

Further orders for potentially hundreds of millions of doses of vaccine are expected.

Although questions remain unanswered about the effectiveness of a swine flu vaccine, how many doses it will take to protect a person and who should get it, U.S. Health Department said, "we can't wait" for the answers before putting the manufacturing machinery in motion.

The situation has raised questions about the current system, because so far the H1N1 virus does not seem to be causing illness as severe as when the outbreak began in Mexico, or as severe as is caused by the avian flu officials have been watching for several years.

Here, again, we have a “created pandemic” as was the former avian flu scare a few years back.

Again, all of this “pandemic” will be forgotten as soon as the U.S. Government pays billions for vaccine it will never use, just like it did with Tamiflu.




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American Prisons Can’t Handle Guantanamo Super Duper Criminals

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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Dick Cheney's example of the worst terrorist in the world

By Chimpplanet

The United States currently has the largest prison population in the world.

In these prisons we house some of the most dangerous humans in the world including mass murderers much more dangerous than the Gitmo prisoners, many of whom have not even committed crimes but were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The need for housing them in US facilities is so that the US government can prove in court that these individuals, many arrested when they were children, are really criminals.

Most of the remaining Gitmo prisoners have been held for over five years in a rickety prison hastily built in Cuba to handle them. They are guarded by “military” prison guards and not by “professional” guards that make their skills a lifetime job. In over six years, none have escaped from Gitmo.

Pelican Bay State Prison is a “supermax” facility in California that opened in 1989 that houses some of California's most dangerous inmates.

There are 3,301 prisoners and 99% of them are level 4 Maximum Security risks. They are the worst of the worst.

These inmates are held 22.5 hours per day in very plain cells and one hour alone in a small indoor exercise yard.

Yet, prisons like this cannot house the noncombatants from Guantanamo Bay?

As Jon Stewart of the Daily Show asked, ”What are they? F*cking warlocks?”




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Friday, May 22, 2009

Opinions:

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"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." -George W. Bush




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Dick Cheney Defends Bush Terrorism, Murder And Torture

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Satire By Chimpplanet

Former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney said the Bush administration will be remembered for torturing and saving us from another 9/11 since Bush was not able to save us from the first 9/11, even though they knew it was being planned.

Americans didn’t hear much from Dick Cheney for eight years while he was Vice President, as he hid in some undisclosed underground location most of the time.

But now, that has changed dramatically. In the past few months, he's been making statements -- in printed commentary and on politically oriented radio and television programs -- on how he saved billions of lives by torturing Guantanamo detainees hundreds of times each until they told him nothing.

On May 21 he made his point in a speech at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative policy-research center in Washington, where his wife, Lynne, is a senior fellow, and Cheney himself serves on the board of trustees.

Cheney brought his audience back about 30 times to 9/11.

It was then, he said, that the Bush administration finally woke up, smelled the roses, and began to torture anyone they held in prison of the Islamic Faith.

"The key to any strategy is accurate torture, and skilled torturers to get that information in time to use it. In seeking to guard this nation against the threat of catastrophic violence and saving billions of lives, me and Georgie gave intelligence officers the torture tools and fake authority they needed to gain vital information," Cheney said.

"We didn’t invent that authority. Under threat of waterboarding, we forced our top lawyers like John Yoo and Jay Bybee to write memos making torture legal. And it was snuck through the Congress after 9/11, in a joint resolution (two congressmen saw it) authorizing all necessary torture and mayhem to protect the American people."

Torture and more torture

Cheney noted that no further attacks have followed 9/11 since they started torturing everyone of the Islamic religion. But as the memory of the horror of 9/11 faded, and word began to emerge of the CIA's use of waterboarding, genitalia electrocution and other torture, he said, some began to question the government's behavior.

Cheney said only three suspects -- men he called "of the highest intelligence value" -- were subjected to waterboarding hundreds of times each until they provided valuable information. They told us Osama bin Laden’s home address and cell phone number. They also told us who reallyn killed JFK, RFK and MLK and also where Jimmy Hoffa’s body was buried.

The rogue techniques is considered by many to be torture, but the vice president said it was "justified" under the circumstances.

"I was and remain a strong proponent of our torture program. The torture was used on hardened Islamic-fascist terrorists after other efforts, like vacations in Las Vegas, had failed. Yoo and Bybee made torture legal, essential and justified, and the right thing to do, like grandma baking apple pie and children playing baseball." Cheney said.

"The intelligence torture officers who questioned the terrorists can be proud of their torture, proud of the results, because they prevented the violent screaming death of millions, perhaps billions, or even trillions of people."

Cheney also questioned why Obama and members of the Democratic Party object to torture. He said the CIA briefed at least two out of over 500 leaders of Congress, including one Democrat, on the torture interrogation techniques they were using.

'Feigned Outrage'

Yet now, Cheney said, this same Democrat is reacting to the use of torture with what he called "feigned outrage based on a false narrative."

Cheney decided to delay the start of his speech until Obama's own address was over so he could better attack our president and defend his crimes and maybe change history.

In his own speech, Cheney criticized Obama for releasing the torture memos and letting the world know that Bush lied when he said, ‘We do not torture.’.

These documents gave Bush and Cheney specific permission to torture so they wouldn’t be put in prison under the Geneva Conventions after they left office.

But now that they've been made public, Cheney said, they should made be available in their un-redacted form so that Americans can know the value of the information extracted from the suspects (like LBJ and the CIA killing Kennedy) under torture -- and show the Bush administration in a better light.

"It'll do more than clarify the urgency and the rightness of torture and mayhem in the years after 9/11. It may help us to stay focused on dangers that have not gone away like Osama bin Laden and the ghost of Saddam Husein. Instead of idly debating whether Bush, Rumsfeld, Rice and I should be prosecuted and hanged, our attention will return to where it belongs: on baking apple pies and playing baseball" Cheney said.

"For all the partisan anger that still lingers, our administration will stand up well in history, like Hitler’s and Ghengis Khan‘s and Attila The Hun’s and Josef Stalin’s -- not despite our torture and murder after 9/11, but because of them."

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More PLANET OF THE CHIMPS here




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